(quick comedy.)

Comedic monologues for men, under two minutes

Funny, male, and short. Every piece here runs under two minutes, so you can read it once and know whether it is yours.

1
Robin Goodfellow Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 0:43 min
If we shadows have offended, Think but this, and all is mended, That you have but slumber'd here While these visions did appear. And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but…
2
Parolles from All's Well That Ends Well
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:57 min
Are you meditating on virginity? Virginity being blown down, man will quicklier be blown up: marry, in blowing him down again, with the breach yourselves made, you lose your city.…
3
Henry Apjohn (Her Lover) from How He Lied to Her Husband
George Bernard Shaw · play · comedic · 1:26 min
Our course is perfectly simple, perfectly straightforward, perfectly stainless and true. We love one another. I am not ashamed of that: I am ready to go out and proclaim it to all…
4
Captain Bluntschli from Arms and the Man
George Bernard Shaw · play · comedic · 1:24 min
That’s what you’d have said if you’d seen the first man in the charge today. He did it like an operatic tenor -- a regular handsome fellow, with flashing eyes and lovely…
5
Jack Chesney from Charley's Aunt
Brandon Thomas · play · comedic · 1:37 min
I can't! I can't get into the vein. I don't know what to say--don't know how to begin. I wish to goodness I'd spoken to her at the dance the other evening, when she told me they…
6
Capulet from Romeo and Juliet
William Shakespeare · play · joyful · 1:43 min
And too soon marr’d are those so early made. The earth hath swallowed all my hopes but she, She is the hopeful lady of my earth: But woo her, gentle Paris, get her heart, My will…
7
Capulet from Romeo and Juliet
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:20 min
Welcome, gentlemen, ladies that have their toes Unplagu’d with corns will have a bout with you. Ah my mistresses, which of you all Will now deny to dance? She that makes dainty,…
8
Mercutio from Romeo and Juliet
William Shakespeare · play · sarcastic · 1:19 min
Nay, an there were two such, we should have none shortly, for one would kill the other. Thou? Why, thou wilt quarrel with a man that hath a hair more or a hair less in his beard…
9
Porter from Macbeth
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:35 min
Here’s a knocking indeed! If a man were porter of hell gate, he should have old turning the key. (Knocking.) Knock, knock, knock. Who’s there, i’ th’ name of Belzebub? Here’s a…
10
Porter from Macbeth
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:11 min
Faith, sir, we were carousing till the second cock; and drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things. (MACDUFF: What three things does drink especially provoke?) Marry, sir,…
11
Cassio from Othello
William Shakespeare · play · joyful · 0:56 min
She that I spake of, our great captain’s captain, Left in the conduct of the bold Iago; Whose footing here anticipates our thoughts A se’nnight’s speed. Great Jove, Othello guard,…
12
Fool from King Lear
William Shakespeare · play · sarcastic · 0:51 min
Why, after I have cut the egg i’ the middle and eat up the meat, the two crowns of the egg. When thou clovest thy crown i’ the middle and gav’st away both parts, thou bor’st thine…
13
Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:19 min
Thou speak’st aright; I am that merry wanderer of the night. I jest to Oberon, and make him smile, When I a fat and bean-fed horse beguile, Neighing in likeness of a filly foal;…
14
Bottom from A Midsummer Night's Dream
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 0:54 min
Nay, you must name his name, and half his face must be seen through the lion’s neck; and he himself must speak through, saying thus, or to the same defect: ‘Ladies,’ or, ‘Fair…
15
Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:52 min
My mistress with a monster is in love. Near to her close and consecrated bower, While she was in her dull and sleeping hour, A crew of patches, rude mechanicals, That work for…
16
Bottom from A Midsummer Night's Dream
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:40 min
(Waking.) When my cue comes, call me, and I will answer. My next is ‘Most fair Pyramus.’ Heigh-ho! Peter Quince! Flute, the bellows-mender! Snout, the tinker! Starveling! God’s my…
17
Casca from Julius Caesar
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:28 min
I can as well be hang’d, as tell the manner of it: it was mere foolery; I did not mark it. I saw Mark Antony offer him a crown; yet ’twas not a crown neither, ’twas one of these…
18
Benedick from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · sarcastic · 1:46 min
O! she misused me past the endurance of a block: an oak but with one green leaf on it would have answered her: my very visor began to assume life and scold with her. She told me,…
19
Don Pedro from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 0:54 min
And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband that I know. Thus far can I praise him; he is of a noble strain, of approved valour, and confirmed honesty. I will teach you how to…
20
Don Pedro from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 0:55 min
I do but stay till your marriage be consummate, and then go I toward Arragon. (CLAUDIO: I’ll bring you thither, my lord, if you’ll vouchsafe me.) Nay, that would be as great a…
21
Dogberry from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:05 min
First, who think you the most desartless man to be constable? (FIRST WATCH: Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacoal; for they can write and read.) Come hither, neighbour Seacoal. God…
22
Dogberry from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 0:58 min
A good old man, sir; he will be talking; as they say, ‘when the age is in, the wit is out.’ God help us! it is a world to see! Well said, i’ faith, neighbour Verges: well, God’s a…
23
Dogberry from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:24 min
God’s my life! where’s the sexton? let him write down the Prince’s officer coxcomb. Come, bind them. Thou naughty varlet! (CONRADE: Away! you are an ass; you are an ass.) Dost…
24
Don Pedro from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:30 min
I’ll tell thee how Beatrice praised thy wit the other day. I said, thou hadst a fine wit. ‘True,’ says she, ‘a fine little one.’ ‘No,’ said I, ‘a great wit.’ ‘Right,’ said she, ‘a…
25
Dogberry from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 0:56 min
Moreover, sir,—which, indeed, is not under white and black,— this plaintiff here, the offender, did call me ass: I beseech you, let it be remembered in his punishment. And also,…
26
Benedick from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:13 min
And therefore will come. (Exit Margaret.) The god of love, That sits above, And knows me, and knows me, How pitiful I deserve,— I mean, in singing: but in loving, Leander the good…
27
Benedick from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:02 min
Peace! I will stop your mouth. (Kisses her.) (DON PEDRO: How dost thou, Benedick, the married man?) I’ll tell thee what, Prince; a college of witcrackers cannot flout me out of my…
28
Touchstone from As You Like It
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:14 min
Upon a lie seven times removed—bear your body more seeming, Audrey—as thus, sir. I did dislike the cut of a certain courtier’s beard. He sent me word if I said his beard was not…
29
Touchstone from As You Like It
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:07 min
O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book, as you have books for good manners. I will name you the degrees: the first, the retort courteous; the second, the quip modest; the third,…
30
Hymen from As You Like It
William Shakespeare · play · joyful · 1:07 min
Peace, ho! I bar confusion. ’Tis I must make conclusion Of these most strange events. Here’s eight that must take hands To join in Hymen’s bands, If truth holds true contents. (To…

Length is estimated at a spoken pace of about 150 words a minute. Public-domain pieces are printed in full on their own page; copyrighted ones list the character and the source.

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