(now, and funny.)

Contemporary comedic monologues for women

Funny and recent. This is the thinnest shelf in the corpus, which is also why it is the hardest search to satisfy anywhere else. Each entry names the character, the work and the length.

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1
Elaine from The Graduate
Mike Nichols · film · comedic · 1:17 min
2
Myra Arundel from Hay Fever
Noël Coward · play · comedic · 1:01 min
Well I’m not going to spare your feelings, or anyone else’s. You’re the most infuriating set of hypocrites I’ve ever seen. This house is a complete feather-bed of false…
3
Judith Bliss from Hay Fever
Noël Coward · play · comedic · 0:43 min
I’m much more dignified on the stage than in the country--it’s my milieu. I’ve tried terribly hard to be “landed gentry”, but without any real success. I long for excitement and…
4
Lady Mary Lasenby from The Admirable Crichton
Sir James Matthew (J.M.) Barrie · play · comedic · 1:12 min
I sighted a herd near Penguin’s Creek, but had to creep round Silver Lake to get to windward of them. However, they spotted me and then the fun began. There was nothing for it but…
5
Aunt Lottie/Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid
Ron Clements, John Musker · film · comedic · 1:01 min
6
Judith Bliss from Hay Fever
Noël Coward · play · comedic · 1:48 min
There come moments in life when it is necessary to be honest--absolutely honest. I’ve trained myself always to shun the underhand methods other women so often employ--the truth…
7
Dianora from Madonna Dianora
Hugo von Hofmannsthal · play · joyful · 2:35 min
His voice is all he has, the strange monk, Yet people flock, hang on his words like bees Upon the dark sweet blossoms, and they say "This man is not like others—he Does shake our…
8
Rosamund from A Good Woman
Arnold Bennett · play · comedic · 1:00 min
Oh! I expect he couldn't wait. He was so impulsive. Well, on the night before he left England he came here and proposed to me. I remember I was awfully tired and queer. I had been…
9
Rosamund from A Good Woman
Arnold Bennett · play · comedic · 3:57 min
Now, listen, I'll tell you all about it. Four years ago poor, dear Gerald was madly in love with me. He was twenty and I was twenty-four. Keep calm—I felt like his aunt. Don't…
10
Rosamund from A Good Woman
Arnold Bennett · play · comedic · 0:58 min
Oh, yes, I am in. I must say you look tolerably well. Certainly. Only I can do it without the bones now. You see, the science has progressed while you've been stagnating in…
11
Rosamund from A Good Woman
Arnold Bennett · play · comedic · 1:14 min
It seems to me the situation amounts to this. There are two girls. One is named Evelyn, and the thought of her makes you blush. The other is named Madge, and the thought of her…
12
Lezinsky from The Baby Carriage
Bosworth Crocker · play · comedic · 1:14 min
I think that makes them too short, Mr. Rosenbloom. One inch is plenty. All right—one inch, then. Maybe to-morrow. He lets all this other work go—maybe—and sets to work on them…
13
Kezia from The Subjection of Kezia
Mrs. Havelock Ellis · play · joyful · 1:04 min
Thee'rt smiling, Joe! Thee and me 'ave both hungered for the same thing. Did thee guess it at all, I wonder? I've kept it from thee a while to make sure. But, lor'! my dear life!…
14
Mrs from The Boor
Anton Tchekoff · play · sarcastic · 3:24 min
Popov. Not at all funny—vulgar! Smirnov. Not at all funny—vulgar. I don't understand how to behave in the company of ladies. Madam, in the course of my life I have seen more women…
15
Laura from A Sunny Morning
Serafin and Joaquin Alvarez Quintero · play · comedic · 0:57 min
Look out! Yes, to you. You have scared away the birds who were feeding on bread crumbs. But I do. Then why do you complain that the priests have taken your bench? What an…
16
Miss Ivory from The Pot Boiler
Alice Gerstenberg · play · sarcastic · 0:58 min
My part isn't either, but it doesn't worry me. These authors— I don't memorize until dress rehearsal night. What's the use. They don't know themselves by that time what lines they…
17
Clara from Sham
Frank G. Tompkins · play · sarcastic · 1:33 min
It has its possibilities. Now if he'll let me choose—Isn't there a joker in it somewhere? Let me think. We might let you have something. What do you want? Thief. What do I want?…
18
Clara from Sham
Frank G. Tompkins · play · sarcastic · 1:56 min
You take your beating so ungracefully, Mr. Hibbard. The case, you see, is all against you. Thief. Be careful. The picture may be found at any minute. Don't go too far. I hardly…
19
Clara from Sham
Frank G. Tompkins · play · comedic · 0:55 min
Oh, but it's yours, Mr. Hibbard. I couldn't think of taking it. Really, you must keep it to remember us by. Put it among your art treasures at home, next to your lovely…
20
Amy from Her
Spike Jonze · film · joyful · 0:48 min
21
Betty from Mulholland Drive
David Lynch · film · joyful · 0:52 min
22
Bella from Poor Things
Yorgos Lanthimos · film · comedic · 0:37 min
23
Miss Crane from The Holdovers
Alexander Payne · film · joyful · 1:09 min
24
Sam from Garden State
Zach Braff · film · comedic · 0:54 min
25
Julie from Bad Boys
Rick Rosenthal · film · comedic · 1:33 min
26
Anastasia from Anastasia
Don Bluth, Gary Goldman · film · joyful · 2:09 min
27
Flora from Flora and Son
John Carney · film · comedic · 1:36 min
28
Michelle from American Pie
Paul Weitz · film · comedic · 0:35 min
29
Penny from Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
George Clooney · film · joyful · 1:16 min
30
Maude from The Big Lebowski
Joel Coen, Ethan Coen · film · sarcastic · 1:11 min

Length is estimated at a spoken pace of about 150 words a minute. Public-domain pieces are printed in full on their own page; copyrighted ones list the character and the source.

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