(quick comedy.)

Comedic monologues for women, under two minutes

The audition ask that never changes: funny, female, and done before the timer. Every piece below runs under two minutes. The classical ones are public domain and printed in full.

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1
Elaine from The Graduate
Mike Nichols · film · comedic · 1:17 min
2
Gwendolen Fairfax from The Importance of Being Earnest
Oscar Wilde · play · comedic · 1:42 min
Oh! It is strange he never mentioned to me that he had a ward. How secretive of him! He grows more interesting hourly. I am not sure, however, that the news inspires me with…
3
Lady Noeline “Noel” Belturbet from The Amazons
Arthur Wing Pinero · play · comedic · 1:23 min
Oh, yes, in my petticoats; shopping with Florence in the morning, the forlorn park in the afternoon, a cockney Exhibition in the evening. I wanted to view London from the same…
4
Rosalind from As You Like It
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:30 min
It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue; but it is no more unhandsome than to see the lord the prologue. If it be true that good wine needs no bush, 'tis true that a…
5
Raina Petkoff from Arms and the Man
George Bernard Shaw · play · comedic · 1:58 min
What will he care for my poor little worship after after the acclamations of a whole army of heroes? But no matter: I am so happy -- so proud! It proves that all our ideas were…
6
Phoebe from As You Like It
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:05 min
I would not be thy executioner: I fly thee, for I would not injure thee. Thou tell'st me there is murder in mine eye: 'Tis pretty, sure, and very probable, That eyes, that are the…
7
Gwendolen Fairfax from The Importance of Being Earnest
Oscar Wilde · play · comedic · 0:58 min
Ernest, we may never be married. From the expression on mamma’s face I fear we never shall. Few parents nowadays pay any regard to what their children say to them. The…
8
Viola from Twelfth Night
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:47 min
I left no ring with her; what means this lady? Fortune forbid my outside have not charm’d her! She made good view of me, indeed, so much, That methought her eyes had lost her…
9
Mrs. Allonby from A Woman of No Importance
Oscar Wilde · play · comedic · 1:02 min
When Ernest and I were engaged, he swore to me positively on his knees that he had never loved any one before in the whole course of his life. I was very young at the time, so I…
10
Myra Arundel from Hay Fever
Noël Coward · play · comedic · 1:01 min
Well I’m not going to spare your feelings, or anyone else’s. You’re the most infuriating set of hypocrites I’ve ever seen. This house is a complete feather-bed of false…
11
Judith Bliss from Hay Fever
Noël Coward · play · comedic · 0:43 min
I’m much more dignified on the stage than in the country--it’s my milieu. I’ve tried terribly hard to be “landed gentry”, but without any real success. I long for excitement and…
12
Helena from A Midsummer Night's Dream
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:29 min
How happy some o'er other some can be! Through Athens I am thought as fair as she. But what of that? Demetrius thinks not so; He will not know what all but he do know: And as he…
13
Lady Betty Modish from The Careless Husband
Colley Cibber · play · comedic · 1:00 min
Pfhah; Will any thing a man says make a woman less agreeable? Will his talking spoil one’s complexion, or put one hair out of order? -- and for reputation, look you, my dear, take…
14
Julia from Two Gentlemen of Verona
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:17 min
O hateful hands, to tear such loving words! Injurious wasps, to feed on such sweet honey And kill the bees that yield it with your stings! I'll kiss each several paper for amends.…
15
Dol Common from The Alchemist
Ben Jonson · play · comedic · 1:54 min
You'll bring your head within a cockscomb, will you? And you, sir, with your menstrue— Gather it up.— 'Sdeath, you abominable pair of stinkards, Leave off your barking, and grow…
16
Lady Mary Lasenby from The Admirable Crichton
Sir James Matthew (J.M.) Barrie · play · comedic · 1:12 min
I sighted a herd near Penguin’s Creek, but had to creep round Silver Lake to get to windward of them. However, they spotted me and then the fun began. There was nothing for it but…
17
Mrs. Rackett from The Belle's Stratagem
Hannah Cowley · play · comedic · 0:50 min
And you I take to be a slanderous Cynic of two-and-thirty.—Twenty years hence, one might have forgiven such a libel!—Now, Sir, hear my definition of a Fine Lady:—She is a creature…
18
Lady Easy from The Careless Husband
Colley Cibber · play · comedic · 1:09 min
Was ever a woman’s spirit, by an injurious husband, broke like mine? A vile, licentious man! must he bring home his follies too! Wrong me with my very servant ! - O ! How tedious…
19
Aunt Lottie/Sea Witch from The Little Mermaid
Ron Clements, John Musker · film · comedic · 1:01 min
20
Tessa from The Gondoliers
W.S. Gilbert, Arthur Sullivan · play · comedic · 0:52 min
Yes, we thought you’d like it. You see, it was like this. After you left we felt very dull and mopey, and the days crawled by, and you never wrote; so at last I said to Gianetta,…
21
Rose Maybud from Ruddigore, or The Witch’s Curse
W.S. Gilbert, Arthur Sullivan · play · comedic · 1:32 min
Hush, dear aunt, for thy words pain me sorely. Hung in a plated dish-cover to the knocker of the workhouse door, with naught that I could call mine own, save a change of…
22
Judith Bliss from Hay Fever
Noël Coward · play · comedic · 1:48 min
There come moments in life when it is necessary to be honest--absolutely honest. I’ve trained myself always to shun the underhand methods other women so often employ--the truth…
23
Beatrice from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · sarcastic · 1:18 min
Too curst is more than curst: I shall lessen God’s sending that way; for it is said, ‘God sends a curst cow short horns;’ but to a cow too curst he sends none. (LEONATO: So, by…
24
Beatrice from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:00 min
The fault will be in the music, cousin, if you be not wooed in good time: if the Prince be too important, tell him there is measure in everything, and so dance out the answer.…
25
Margaret from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · sarcastic · 1:13 min
Moral! no, by my troth, I have no moral meaning; I meant, plain holy thistle. You may think, perchance, that I think you are in love: nay, by’r Lady, I am not such a fool to think…
26
Beatrice from Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare · play · sarcastic · 0:58 min
Talk with a man out at a window! a proper saying! (BENEDICK: Nay, but Beatrice,—) Sweet Hero! she is wronged, she is slandered, she is undone. (BENEDICK: Beat—) Princes and…
27
Rosalind from As You Like It
William Shakespeare · play · sarcastic · 1:11 min
No, faith, die by attorney. The poor world is almost six thousand years old, and in all this time there was not any man died in his own person, _videlicet_, in a love-cause.…
28
Rosalind from As You Like It
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 0:53 min
Say “a day” without the “ever.” No, no, Orlando, men are April when they woo, December when they wed. Maids are May when they are maids, but the sky changes when they are wives. I…
29
Maria from Twelfth Night
William Shakespeare · play · sarcastic · 1:09 min
If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselves into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian that means to be…
30
Portia from The Merchant of Venice
William Shakespeare · play · comedic · 1:16 min
They shall, Nerissa, but in such a habit That they shall think we are accomplished With that we lack. I’ll hold thee any wager, When we are both accoutered like young men, I’ll…

Length is estimated at a spoken pace of about 150 words a minute. Public-domain pieces are printed in full on their own page; copyrighted ones list the character and the source.

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