Another word, and I charge you under the Act with discouraging me. Go. The clerk blenches and goes out, cowed. The telephone rings. AUGUSTUS (taking up the telephone receiver.) Hallo. Yes: who are you?... oh, Blueloo, is it?... Yes: there's nobody in the room: fire away. What?... A spy!... A woman!... Yes: brought it down with me. Do you suppose I'm such a fool as to let it out of my hands? Why, it gives a list of all our anti-aircraft emplacements from Ramsgate to Skegness. The Germans would give a million for it--what?... But how could she possibly know about it? I haven't mentioned it to a soul, except, of course, dear Lucy... Oh, Toto and Lady Popham and that lot: they don't count: they're all right. I mean that I haven't mentioned it to any Germans.... Pooh! Don't you be nervous, old chap. I know you think me a fool; but I'm not such a fool as all that. If she tries to get it out of me I'll have her in the Tower before you ring up again. (The clerk returns.) Sh-sh! Somebody's just come in: ring off. Goodbye. (He hangs up the receiver.) (THE CLERK: Are you engaged?) What business is that of yours? However, if you will take the trouble to read the society papers for this week, you will see that I am engaged to the Honorable Lucy Popham, youngest daughter of-- (THE CLERK: That ain't what I mean. Can you see a female?) Of course I can see a female as easily as a male. Do you suppose I'm blind?

Augustus Monologue from Augustus Does His Bit: A True-to-Life Farce

Rehearse Augustus's monologue