You see, Jem made sure of the money, and lived in such style--bought a horse and shay, and went to races, and played nine-pins--when, lo and behold! the old lady died and he found it was all left to a smooth-faced fellow that nobody never heard on, that got somehow or other into the old lady's good books and she had it writ down. It was all because Jem one day kicked her favorite dog, that used to fly at everybody's legs--now the dog's gone to live with a baker, and Jem's in prison for debt. (MAR: And Harry Bacon, what's become of him?) Gone to sea, because Mary Brown took up with a tailor what opened a shop from London. And you recollect Tom Hammer the blacksmith? (MAR: Yes.) Well, if he ain't gone and bought all Merryweather's pigs I'm a Dutchman! And Merryweather's gone to America, and the eldest daughter's married Sam Holloway the cutler, and folks say it ain't a good match, because he was a widow with three children all ready and she might have had Master Pollard the schoolmaster, and he's gone and turned serious and won't let the boys play at no games, and so they're all going away to a new man that'll let 'em do just what they like; and Will Twig has been found out stealing chickens, and he's in prison; and Johnny Trotter the postman has opened a grocer's shop; and they've pulled down the old parsonage and are building a new 'un; and the doctor's got a large lamp over his door with big blue and red bull's eyes; and there's a new beadle, and all the parish children have got the hooping-cough, and Mrs. Jenkins' cow's dead, and--that's all!

Cousin Joe Monologue from A Rough Diamond: A Comic Drama in One Act

Rehearse Cousin Joe's monologue